Have you heard the joke about what happens when Vladimir Putin, Sepp Blatter, Michel Platini, Vitaly Mutko and a bunch of Russian football fans walk into a bar? No? Well, this is exactly what happened at the creatively named ‘Restaurant’ restaurant in St. Petersburg yesterday, according to today’s Kommersant. I am not even going to sell you with a creatively written lede, because – let’s be honest – when you put Putin, Blatter and Mutko into the same room, the story writes itself.

With that in mind, I’m just going to excerpt my favorite bits from the article (I’ve also included an Interfax article in which the quotes are probably less manipulated, but also much less entertaining):

On beer in the stadiums (currently banned – with good reason – in Russia):

- Blatter: “[Beer] is a product that is very popular among football fans.” ”Beer is something that’s a part of life! How would there be a tournament in Germany without beer?! Fans want beer! In Brazil, the organizers don’t really want it…but they need to consider to consider the fans’ opinions!” And, of course the corporate sponsors – Budweiser among them – that put money in FIFA’s pockets – BL

Blatter, on drinking in moderation: “Beer is maybe not as destructive as some think. You should drink it in moderate quantities, that’s all.” “Everything can damage your health, any product! Let’s enjoy life, enjoy the game and let’s drink beer!”

- Putin, looking on in amazement: “Yes, you should know your limit – drink your three liters and that’s fine.” He then promised to have parliament re-examine the question of drinking in stadiums.

I don't know about the rest of you, but boozing with Putin would kick the shit out of a casual Miller Lite with Obama

If that bit of populism/corporate shilling wasn’t enough, Blatter clearly knew what other buttons to push with the Russian fans.

Blatter: “I began working on organizing these kinds of tournaments in 1978,” he said, “At that time, strong drinks were allowed in the stands, as was smoking. Although, CO2 is perhaps a more harmful gas for people.” Smoking in Russian stadiums, for all I know, might technically be banned, but you would never know that if you go to a game there. Blatter, you demagogue, you.

Of course, there was more.

On the elimination of daylight savings time by president Dmitry Medvedev:

Fan: “It’s very difficult for me, let’s say, when a football match (in a European tournament) starts at 9 and ends at 11; you need to get up in the morning, but you’ve lost an hour of your life [due to the time differences].”

Putin: “I’m not the author of this initiative.”

Fan: “No, but is it easy for you to get up in the morning now?

Putin: “It’s always difficult to get up.”

Again, Putin gets to throw a little more red meat to the masses (he’s just like us!) while also throwing Medvedev under the bus for making everyone in Russia stay up an extra hour to watch Rubin Kazan play Shamrock Rovers.

On the Unified State Examination (ЕГЭ – a recently instituted nationwide set of standardized tests required as an exit exam for high schoolers/entrance exam for Russian universities):

Fan: “Why are we moving to the American system of education when Americans themselves conducted IQ-test research to see if they, as a nation, were smarter or dumber and they didn’t reach 90%?” 90 percent, the fan helpfully explained “is considered a normal IQ and they didn’t get to that level. And this test, which we’ve now introduced, was created by an American scientist.”

Remember, Blatter and Platini are still in the room for both of these questions, nodding their heads and pretending to understand what the hell is going on. I can’t say for sure either, but that makes it that much more entertaining.

And finally, this gem of a line of from the Kommersant article from after Blatter and Platini left:

“Vladimir Putin was actively drinking beer, fulfilling, it was obvious, his norm (the aforementioned 3 liters -BL). The 2008 UEFA cup final in which Zenit defeated Glasgow Rangers was playing on some of the televisions in the room.

‘I’ve already forgotten what I wanted to ask’ loudly announced one fan from Rostov-On-Don after a short while.

‘So, let’s drink to that!’ proposed the prime minister.”

Just brilliant.